i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
