Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
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