perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
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that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
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The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
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