i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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