She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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