you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
