You're my little dorito
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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