everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
