The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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