My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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