FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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