I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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