Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
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