My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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