I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
