don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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