So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
