we have officially lost it.
Lets evaluate? U kissed one boss and lef twith another man. I cock teased the other, hardcore had a tongue jammed down my throat, made out w aa third then left in a cab w alex w them all yelling at me and offering rides. My cheek was also licked and bitten by 2 other men and we almost made out (u and me) because they asked. were hired.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Randomize
