shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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