she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
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