I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Did you pee in the oven last night??
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
