Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
