this boner is exhausting
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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