I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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