the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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