K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
