The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
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