The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
