How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
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