He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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