If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
