I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
He has the fingertips of a God
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