I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Randomize
