If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
