her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
