the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
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we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
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I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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