It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
