When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
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