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maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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