So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
