today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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