I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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