I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
