Your mouth is God's brothel.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
