I think im going to throw up on grandma
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
