I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
