So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
