the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
