This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
