I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
