you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
