You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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