anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
