fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Randomize
