I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
