"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Randomize
