I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
