I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
