I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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