"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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